Valentine's Day Reflection

The first time I recall truly hating Valentine's Day was when I was a sophomore in college. I had been cheated on by two different boyfriends in a year's time, and I felt the need to vent that anger to anyone who would listen! I remember rallying with my girlfriends to decorate black t-shirts sponge painted in white, pink, and red with messages like "My Valentine is Ben & Jerry's," "Kiss this Cupid," or my personal favorite on my t-shirt reading "Happy Satan Day!" I donned my black t-shirt with its anti-love message for the world to see because on the inside, my heart had been broken one time too many. Each year as this day would come around, my heart grew darker and bleaker for everything this one day stood for. I let it steal my joy year after year, and I spread that darkness to those around me all in the name of heartbreak.

Then, Valentine's Day 2017 happened, and my whole view of this day changed. It wasn't one single occurrence but the combination of several different pieces that took away the darkness from my eyes and put back on the heart-shaped glasses filled with joy, love, and contentment. I had three of my students put together a Valentine's Day gift for me,  spent the evening fellowshipping with my Bible study Life Group, and was able to enjoy time with my mom and dad. Finally after 13 years of miserable Valentine's Days, I realized that this day is so much more than a day devoted to hearts, roses, candy, and romantic love.

This day is a celebration of ALL the parts that love has to offer us: the Greeks referred to them as Eros, Phileo, and Apage love. I had become so obsessed with the fact that I had no one to love in a romantic way (Eros) that I had completely missed out on appreciating the friendship love (Phileo) and Godly love (Agape) that I had in my life. I have amazing family members, students, colleagues, and friends who have filled my love tank to the max, so why was I so hung up on this sadness that was but one small piece of the love puzzle?  I became so concerned with this one definition of love that it cheapened all the rest. On top of that, I had completely left out the most important love in my life, and that is the love of an amazing God who just wants to spend time with me and help me to get to know his love better. His love is what teaches me how to love the other two ways, and his love will never let me down like those Eros relationships of my past.

So this year, I choose to put back on my heart-shaped glasses. I choose to tell my students, friends, and family I love them. I choose to pray for my future husband and our future Valentine's Days we'll eventually have together. But most importantly, I choose to worship my Jesus with every bit of my being and thank him for his all-consuming and sufficient love that is all I need!

I choose joy. I choose love!

Thoughts at 30...

I remember being younger and thinking about the people I knew who were 30—gosh they were old! They seemed like such adults with their whole lives neatly packaged. I remember thinking about what life would be like when I turned 30. I’d have a house, car, husband, kids—I had it all planned out. I’d be Barbie in my dream mansion with Ken by my side driving my pink Corvette. Well, life never quite turns out the way we planned. As my life has crept closer to this daunting number of 30 over the past few years, there have been times where life has hit me with negativity as I realize how that childhood dream is nowhere near a reality. However, I’ve also had a huge revelation that that’s ok. Over the past couple months, I’ve really been processing what it means for me to turn 30 and the stage of life I am in, so here are my 7 lessons I’ve learned in my 30 years that I’m happy to share with you. Enjoy! 

1. Be proud of who you are and who God created you to be. When I was in my teens and twenties, I was very insecure. Boys not liking me, negative body image issues, and constant comments about my loud and obnoxious personality haunted me. I was constantly looking to those around me for validation, leading to some lifestyle choices that were not in my best interest. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to a point where I am so thankful to be the person God created me to be. I’ve realized that those same insecurities I was so worried about when I was younger have turned out to be the qualities I love the most and bring me the most joy. Now, I’m so thankful for my loud and obnoxious personality because I’m able to use it to serve God every day and bring that same joy to those around me through my teaching, doing live announcements and singing at church, and dressing up in silly costumes for Spirit Weeks!

2. Don’t worry; be happy. Life is too short to stress! There have been very stressful situations throughout my short 30 years so far, and I used to let those situations get to me. Now, I realize I have no control over anything, but God does! I can now sit back, relax, and trust in God’s perfect plan and timing for my life without having to worry about anything!

3. Don’t judge yourself based on where society says your life should be. I’m 30, I’m unmarried, I make a measly salary, I've been on 3 dates on the past 5 years, and I am moving back in with my parents in two months—according to society, my life is pretty much bankrupt! However, when I look at my life according to God’s standards, I see a completely different view. I see a woman who knows God’s plan is way better than society’s when he says to trust his perfect timing instead of my own! I see a woman content in singleness who relies on God’s promises instead of the world’s. I see a woman who is blessed to have amazing parents to help and support her. According to society, I may be bankrupt, but in my eyes and in God’s eyes, I feel rich beyond belief!

4. Don’t just follow your heart; follow your common sense too! As I sit here thinking about where I was 10 years ago entering my twenties, I want to slap myself! I was 20 years old and naïve beyond belief as I “followed my heart” instead of following my common sense! Person after person told me not to trust the boy I was dating, and deep down I knew he was no good, but I chose to ignore all of them and ignore myself. Instead, I followed my heart for three years and gained multiple war wounds from that relationship that have taken me years to heal from. I've learned that there are times that it’s ok to listen to your heart, but you cannot forget about listening to common sense too! If we are completely run by emotions, we will find ourselves making stupid decisions time and time again instead of using our brains to think rationally. I've learned my lesson and can only hope that others can learn from my mistakes and save themselves years of heartbreak!

5. Forgive yourself and others. Do to my naivety in my twenties, it led to many stupid decisions and situations that have wounded my heart and soul to a point where I didn't know if I would be able to make it through. Being cheated on time and time again, betrayed, and even sexually assaulted have haunted me for years. I felt so much hurt and bitterness in my heart that it held me back from living life the way God intended me to. I've realized that the hurt others have caused will continue to have control over you until you forgive them. Some of those people who've hurt me took years for me to finally come to the point of forgiveness, but I can truly say I am at a point where I have forgiven every person in my life who has done me wrong, and that is freeing. Even beyond that, I have forgiven myself. Throughout the last 30 years, I've made some stupid decisions that brought me guilt and shame. I carried that weight around until finally I realized there was no need to be so tough on myself; Jesus had already died on a cross for every one of my sins and had forgiven me, so there was nothing I had done that hadn't already been taken care of. I am forgiven, and that is beyond freeing!

6. Take chances by following God’s plan. After graduating college, I thought about what next step I should take. I was in a terrible relationship where I was “in love” and thought I knew best about where life after college would lead me. I steered myself to St. Louis and steered myself even further away from God. I knew it wasn't where I was supposed to go, but I did it anyway. Fast forward to three years later when God came knocking on my heart a second time to try and guide me in the plan he had for me; this time I listened. I followed his plan and moved out to Arizona, and it has been the most rewarding experience ever. Although I miss so many of my friends from the Midwest, I have grown so much because of that move that I cannot imagine where I would be if I would have ignored God’s voice telling me to go. I realized God’s plan is always the perfect plan, even if we cannot see it!

7. Live life! We have been given this amazing life, yet I see so many people who waste it every day with negative attitudes, self-doubt, sadness, anger, bitterness, and resentment. I’m only 30, and I still have my whole life ahead of me. Instead of living a life of negativity, I choose to live my life filled with joy, happiness, love, and thankfulness, because this one life that has been given to me is a gift from God, and it’s my responsibility to handle it with care!

Thanks for humoring me in reading my life lessons. Here’s to being 30, flirty, and thriving and the next 30 years being even more amazing! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! :)

My Testimony... Because I Love You!

There are times in my life when I can so evidently hear God's voice telling me to do something. It's as if He's right there in the room with me, giving me directions that I can almost audibly hear. He speaks through prayer, His Word, and other Christian brothers and sisters to show what He wants to do. It's up to us to follow through and join Him in that work. These past couple days, God has done just that in my life. Thursday night at our young adult group, Camber, our pastor spoke out of 1 Corinthians 9:24-27. The verses say :

²⁴ Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. ²⁵ Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. ²⁶ Therefore I do not run like someone running aimlessly; I do not fight like a boxer beating the air. ²⁷ No, I strike a blow to my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize. 

As I sat and read through those words, I could feel God tugging at my heart as if to say "Erin... are you even in the race? Are you telling others about me? Are you running aimlessly or is your eye on the prize... reaching others for me?" I became very convicted. I realized there were so many people in my life with whom I had not told about Christ. As I sat there digesting God's Word, I couldn't help but think of all the friends I have on Facebook whom I may have never shared God's love. I thought about the many times in the past where I have been more preoccupied with how others viewed me than their eternal life. So now, I want to be very vulnerable and share my testimony with you. This is something that is very near and dear to my heart, because it shows where I've been and where I've come. To some of you, this may have been something that you experienced alongside me, and to others, it may be brand new, possibly shocking territory. No matter what, I hope God will speak to your heart in a way that He did mine as I went through it.

My Testimony

 My dad is a pastor, so I grew up in a loving Christian home where my parents always taught of God's love for me. When I was six, I made the decision to accept Christ. As I look back on it, I know it was a genuine decision, but it wasn't until many years later that I came to truly know and appreciate a deep relationship with God.

I was a pretty good kid as the years went by. In high school, I was the type of kid who would rather stay home playing games or watching movies with my parents instead of going out and partying. I had a strong sense of identity in Christ and was proud of my unique self God had created me to be. I was the drama and choir geek who, on the outside at least, seemed to be proud of her outgoing, crazy, loud self. However, on the inside, I felt a strong need to belong. I wanted to be the popular one, the girl who got the guy, the one who every girl wanted to be.

I went off to college four and a half hours from home to a small Christian college in a town almost no one has heard of. My dad had gone there, so I figured it was the logical place to go and follow in his footsteps. This school consisted of 1100 students total and only 450 living on campus, which was smaller that my high school. The first year, I did really well and found some great friends. We were the loud group that always had a tendency to draw attention to ourselves due to our crazy antics. In a small Christian school like this, that was not a good kind of attention. People at small schools love to talk and the topic of conversation around campus was the rowdy behavior of my friends and me. Even though we were behaving by all the rules and really not doing anything ungodly, we had developed the reputation of being crazy party girls. At a small school like that, you might as well have been marked with a scarlet letter. Here we were trying to be good and stay away from that lifestyle and it made no difference, we still became the outcasts. The hypocritical and judgmental Christians left a bad taste in my mouth and I decided I would become exactly what they expected me to be -- a party girl.

At right around the same time, I had caught the interest of one of the soccer players at the college. He was definitely not the type of guy I normally got attention from. I was hardly noticed by guys at all. He was the quintessential "Latin Lover" from Argentina and was known by every person on campus. He knew all the right things to say and do that made me fall head over heals almost instantly. I knew it wasn't right. I had always been taught to be "equally yoked" and he was the farthest thing from God. But I liked the way he made me feel and God began to slowly slip into the background as I gave myself fully to this guy - something I always said I would save for my future husband. I told myself that God was something I would get serious about after college. These were the times to be crazy and have fun; later down the line would be the time to go to church and get my life together. I was in love and that's all that mattered. Through the three years I was in that relationship, I was cheated on more times than I could count and it seemed like every few months, we were breaking up and then I'd go crawling back to him all over again. I always knew it wasn't right being with him and everyone, including my friends and family, told me it over and over again. Still, I didn't listen. After I graduated, I moved to STL so I could be near him. Within a month, things changed drastically. I was given an ultimatum that it was either marry him or his visa was going to expire, and he would be moving back to Argentina. As much as I loved him, I knew he wasn't the man I was supposed to be with. I didn't trust him and knew that was extremely important in a marriage. I also knew he didn't share my same religious beliefs and that would cause issues in the long run. After three years of losing myself completely to a guy, I finally ended it.

I wish I could say that was the turn around for me and that I finally found my way back to God, but it took more intense situations than that to bring me back - situations that I don't think God made happen, but I think he definitely used them to bring me back to Him. Two of those situations ring clear in my mind. Three years ago, I was still in the partying stage of life. I went to a party where drugs and alcohol were present, although I didn't know the extent until later. That night I went to sleep on the couch and woke up with a guy on top of me. I was sexually assaulted, but thankfully not raped. I later found out that he was not only extremely drunk, but coked up on cocaine as well. This was a huge turning point in my life. It shook my whole world upside down as I realized I no longer wanted to be a part of that lifestyle. I yearned for that close relationship with God that I had had so many years ago. I began Christian counseling, which helped beyond belief. I started going to church and joined a small group, but my heart still wasn't in it. It just seemed to be a routine I did each week.

Six months later, I found myself in the second life-changing situation. My roommate had just gotten married and I was living on my own for the first time. My life came to a crashing halt as my credit card reached its limit, $10,000. I had no idea what to do. I finally had to humble myself and call my parents for help - something I really REALLY didn't want to do! I went home that weekend and sat down with my parents to draw out a plan. My dad began asking me questions about my relationship with God and I remember crying and telling him that I didn't feel God in my life anymore. I wasn't even sure if He existed. I knew that went completely against everything I was ever taught, but it was how I felt. That's when my dad told me to issue God a challenge -- to show up in my life in such a way that could only be explained through Him. I did exactly that. Over the next couple weeks, God began to show up in amazing ways and I saw Him orchestrating things all around me. I found a Christian co-worker who invited me to her church and the small group she led. I began growing and really surrendering my life back to God. It was at that time that I knew STL was no longer the place I was supposed to be. I was being called to move to AZ and have a fresh start. So I put in my letter of resignation and decided I was going to move out here, even if it meant doing something besides teaching. Everyone thought I was crazy for quitting my job without having another one lined up, but I knew God would provide. I don't think I've ever felt so sure about God telling me something in all my life. 

Since moving to Arizona, I feel like my life has been completely transformed. I feel like a new person that God has been working in every day. I still struggle with things, but not in the same way. Now, I can't imagine going back to the way I used to be. I was so lonely and stuck in a life I felt I had no control over. Now I know I can trust in God to have the control and I don't have to stress about things. Renewing my relationship with Christ was the greatest experience in my life. My decision to follow Christ when I was younger had a lot to do with my parents, but my choice to follow him as an adult was completely independent and has meant all the world to me. I am so lucky to serve such an amazing God who called me back to him and answered my challenge, even when I was so far away.

My prayer for you is that you find that same peace in a Savior who loves you and died on the cross to show you. I pray that if you are running from your past, that you would find solace in a God who already knows and has already forgiven you. All you have to do is accept Him. If you would like to talk about this more, feel free to Facebook message me or e-mail me at erinewhitaker@gmail.com. Nothing would make me happier than to talk with you about how you can come to have a personal relationship with God. Thanks for reading!

137 days, 9 hours, and 6 minutes...

As I type, it is 137 days, 9 hours, and 6 minutes until I leave for Africa.

Over the past two weeks, a team from my church has been over in Tenali, India on a mission trip, sharing the love of Christ with the people over there. Out of the group, four of the girls are some of my closest friends here. It has been so exciting to keep up-to-date with their trip through their Facebook posts and pictures, and now that they're back, to hear their amazing stories. Every story I hear and smile I see on each and every one of their faces just gets me that much more excited to go to Africa this summer.

I can't help but be so proud of these young ladies for taking this step of faith in going to a country so far away and letting God use them to minister to those around them. As I've been following their trip, I can't help but realize how extremely lucky we are to have the freedom here in the United States to worship God as freely as we want. In India, the people there face persecution everyday for openly worshiping God, yet they don't let that stop them. Instead, they thrive on it and praise Him all that much more! I can't help but feel so convicted over that. It is so easy for me to live life day to day, just focusing on myself, instead of focusing on showing the love of Christ to those around me. I get worried that I'll be judged and my co-workers will think I'm weird, or I get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of things that I lose focus on the most important goal... to tell others around me about God.

I pray that in the coming months leading up to Africa, God will help use this trip as a venue for me to share my faith with those around me. I pray that in my workplace, it will give me a way to bring up what God is doing in my life and open up people's hearts around me. I hope you will join in praying for my team and me as we spend the coming months preparing for this trip. I have been so blessed already by so many people who have not only said they would be joining me in prayer, but have also supported me financially. I am still only $700 away from reaching my goal of $3200 to go to Africa. I can't wait to see what God has in store for me in this trip and how he is going to use me to reach those around me for Christ. Thank you for your support! :)

My job... My Mission Field!

Each day I wake up, get ready, and head my way to a job that is extremely exhausting, yet rewarding at the same time. The life of a teacher does not always have its perks. Although people argue that we get summers off and numerous breaks, it definitely has to be a job you feel called to.

I was in the seventh grade when I decided I wanted to be a teacher. I remember my 7th grade English teacher, Mr. Glasbrenner, who showed me how fun learning could be. It was at that point that I decided I wanted to do exactly that. It was nice when I was starting college and knew exactly what I wanted to major in. Others around me struggled to find their niche, going back and forth between numerous majors, yet I had my focus all figured out. I got through my classes, did my student teaching, graduated, and was ready to start my first actual teaching job.

Four and a half years later, there have definitely been some ups and downs in my career. There have been many laughs and tears as I sometimes wondered if teaching was really something I was cut out to do for the long haul. I have prayed so many times about where God wants me to be and have finally come to the conclusion... I am where God wants me to be. It doesn't matter how exhausted and hurt or happy and satisfied I feel, because God has placed me in the exact place he wants me to be serving.

This past summer, I was home and hanging out with my dad at the local IHOP. We have a tradition where every time I fly home, we go there afterward, no matter how late/early it is. This is always such a great bonding time with my dad as we talk about every possible topic imaginable. While we were there, he said something that will forever ring true in my mind. I was talking to him about how I wondered if I was where God wanted me to be. I think about the various dangerous paths I have taken in my life and about how disobedient I have been to God in the past, and I wondered if somewhere along the way, I didn't listen to God and missed the turn. I was so focused on doing what I wanted to do that I lost track of what God wanted me to do. My dad simply said, "Erin, it doesn't matter what job you have. God can use you anywhere. Your job is your mission field." It really got me thinking about my past jobs and the focus I had. I had been so wrapped up in teaching the curriculum, improving test scores, grading papers, making class fun, etc. that I had lost track of my reason for being there... to reach those around me to Christ and be an example of His light in my life.

I am extremely lucky to have a job I enjoy. Yes, on days it is exhausting and I come home having a panic attack over all the essays I have to grade and the planning I have to do, but God has a reason for me being there. It wouldn't matter if I were an insurance salesman, waitress, journalist, guidance counselor, or Broadway actress, God would use me just the same. I have to look around where God is working and join Him in that work, no matter where I may be.

I pray that is same for you. Whether you hate or love your job, I pray you will find where He is at work in your life and join Him there. We work everyday with people who do not know the love and joy a relationship with Christ brings. They are screaming inside for the hope we, as Christians, have. I hope both my colleagues and students can see there is a difference in me. I have a hope in me that can only be explained through the miraculous love of Jesus Christ. I hope years down the line as my students look back on me, they will not only see a wacky teacher who had a fun class, but one that was different because she had the love of Jesus in her heart. I may not be able to tell them straight out, but I hope they can tell there's something different from my actions. 

So, I'll go on teaching and trying to be that light to those around me. Because after all, my job is not just a job... it's so much more! It's my mission field! God calls us to be on mission for Him. That does not always mean going on mission trips around the globe. Each one of us has a mission field that we report to everyday. It is just up to us in how we are going to impact it. 

 My mission field! :)

What a Mighty God we Serve!

I'm constantly in awe of how loving God is! I feel so completely unworthy to be loved unconditionally in the way He loves us. It's amazing to know that no matter how many mistakes we make, He loves us just the same and just desires to have a close relationship with us.

Our church is now starting to do the study Experiencing God together over the coming weeks, and tonight was our first small group diving into it. I feel so privileged to help lead this group of girls in discovering God's will for our lives. In reading over this week's chapter, the thing that stood out the most to me was God's love. The second principle the study goes over is how "God pursues a continuing love relationship with you that is real and personal." No matter how many times I hear it, I can never quite grasp the amount of love God has for us. It's not simply that He got bored and thought He'd create some fun creatures to watch to give Himself a hobby. He chose to make us! He chose to create us in the exact way that we are so He could have that close and personal relationship with us.

I think back to the times in my life where I thought that someone else's love was enough for me. I went looking for love in other people and places when it was always right there in front of me. Through all of my terrible mistakes and wrong turns, God pursued me. He loved me enough to call me right back to Him. Even when I was so far away from, He never forgot about me. He was always right there, desiring that close relationship with me once again. I am so happy that I finally humbled myself and went running to Him after so many years of running away!

I found out tonight that three people close to me have decided to take that next step in their relationship with God. One of my them is one of my closest friends. I got a message from her today saying how she was wanting to get her life back on track with God. She had made a decision to follow Christ in the past, but had fallen away from Him. I've spent months praying for just that and today, I got to hear how God is at work in her life. I'm so proud of her and can't wait to see the growth God is going to do in her life! The other two people in my life decided tonight to take the first step into following Christ. They accepted Him into their life in a real and personal way. There is no greater thing to hear than that! God is truly at work around me and I am so delighted to see it!

Again I say "WHAT A MIGHTY GOD WE SERVE!" I hope you realize God's love for you and how He only truly desires that loving relationship with you. It's not a matter of being good enough for Him or trying to work your way into His arms, because He stands with them open, just waiting for you to come running into them. I can only hope and pray that you have come to that realization tonight. If not, know that I am praying that you will soon. Then and only then can you realize true happiness and unconditional love that I know to be so true in my life. It's not a religion... it's a relationship, and that's exactly what I pray you have with Him!

The Art of Being Single

Ever since I was a little girl, I would watch every Disney princess movie, every sappy chick flick, and pretty much every "happily ever after" film and dream of my prince that would come and save the day. The one who would make my life whole. It's ingrained in our culture that we cannot be fully whole without being married. Don't get me wrong, I definitely see the perks to being married and having that special person to share life with, but I now realize how skewed those thoughts can be. Over the years, I have seen this mindset play out in my own life.

When I went off to college, I had that exact thought in the forefront of my mind. From the second I stepped onto that campus, I was on the prowl for that one guy who I would be with for the rest of my life. In fact, I walked into classes my first or second day of school and thought for sure that I had met the man of my dreams. I didn't have my sights set too high. As long as he was a Christian and liked me, well then he must be the one for me, right? As it turns out, that guy didn't end up being the one for me. Then I went to my sophomore year in college and started to become restless. God hadn't brought me the man of my dreams, so I was going to find him myself. Nevermind the fact that God knew better than I did and knew I wasn't ready emotionally or spiritually to find him, I was going to make that guy "the one!" I spent three years chasing after that dream that I had had so ingrained in my mind since I was young. That dream had become warped over the years. I no longer even cared about that fact that he was a Christian. I thought if he loved me enough, then he would learn to follow God... eventually.

Both of my sisters were married at 22 years old. They were lucky enough to find amazing men to share their lives with. When I turned 22, I remember thinking I was so behind in life. After three years of being cheated on over and over again and growing as far away from God as I could, I finally realized that my idea of the perfect guy was not God's idea of the perfect guy, because that perfect guy doesn't exist.

That perfect guy doesn't exist, because God won't let him exist. Even if he did, God would keep him as far away from you as humanly possible. He doesn't want you relying on a guy to make yourself whole. He wants you to rely on Him for that. It has taken years of me chasing after a dream to finally realize the reality of God's will. Instead of spending my time chasing after a false dream that the world has ingrained in my mind, I now chase after God's dream... for me to have an intimate relationship with Him that is the only thing that can fully satisfy. I've finally come to accept that it isn't my job to go running after a husband. If God chooses to bless me with that, then He will. If not, then he won't. I will be satisfied and happy either way.

Again, don't get me wrong in thinking I don't want to get married, because I definitely do. But now, I have realized that it is not my decision. I humbly and thoughtfully offer up my life to God to do His work however He sees fit. Of course I would love for that to be with a wonderful man of God by my side who will encourage me in my walk, but I am not the one who is going to make the decision. So now, as Philippians 3:14 says, "I (will) press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." That prize which is not to find myself a husband, but to be a servant of Christ who lives each day according to His will and purpose.

God knows my heart's desire to find that man of God to marry and until then, all I can simply do is live for Him and wait patiently... I hope you do the same! :)