Ever since I was a little girl, I would watch every Disney princess movie, every sappy chick flick, and pretty much every "happily ever after" film and dream of my prince that would come and save the day. The one who would make my life whole. It's ingrained in our culture that we cannot be fully whole without being married. Don't get me wrong, I definitely see the perks to being married and having that special person to share life with, but I now realize how skewed those thoughts can be. Over the years, I have seen this mindset play out in my own life.
When I went off to college, I had that exact thought in the forefront of my mind. From the second I stepped onto that campus, I was on the prowl for that one guy who I would be with for the rest of my life. In fact, I walked into classes my first or second day of school and thought for sure that I had met the man of my dreams. I didn't have my sights set too high. As long as he was a Christian and liked me, well then he must be the one for me, right? As it turns out, that guy didn't end up being the one for me. Then I went to my sophomore year in college and started to become restless. God hadn't brought me the man of my dreams, so I was going to find him myself. Nevermind the fact that God knew better than I did and knew I wasn't ready emotionally or spiritually to find him, I was going to make that guy "the one!" I spent three years chasing after that dream that I had had so ingrained in my mind since I was young. That dream had become warped over the years. I no longer even cared about that fact that he was a Christian. I thought if he loved me enough, then he would learn to follow God... eventually.
Both of my sisters were married at 22 years old. They were lucky enough to find amazing men to share their lives with. When I turned 22, I remember thinking I was so behind in life. After three years of being cheated on over and over again and growing as far away from God as I could, I finally realized that my idea of the perfect guy was not God's idea of the perfect guy, because that perfect guy doesn't exist.
That perfect guy doesn't exist, because God won't let him exist. Even if he did, God would keep him as far away from you as humanly possible. He doesn't want you relying on a guy to make yourself whole. He wants you to rely on Him for that. It has taken years of me chasing after a dream to finally realize the reality of God's will. Instead of spending my time chasing after a false dream that the world has ingrained in my mind, I now chase after God's dream... for me to have an intimate relationship with Him that is the only thing that can fully satisfy. I've finally come to accept that it isn't my job to go running after a husband. If God chooses to bless me with that, then He will. If not, then he won't. I will be satisfied and happy either way.
Again, don't get me wrong in thinking I don't want to get married, because I definitely do. But now, I have realized that it is not my decision. I humbly and thoughtfully offer up my life to God to do His work however He sees fit. Of course I would love for that to be with a wonderful man of God by my side who will encourage me in my walk, but I am not the one who is going to make the decision. So now, as Philippians 3:14 says, "I (will) press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." That prize which is not to find myself a husband, but to be a servant of Christ who lives each day according to His will and purpose.
God knows my heart's desire to find that man of God to marry and until then, all I can simply do is live for Him and wait patiently... I hope you do the same! :)
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